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How to Tell If It’s True Love or Just a Crush: The Effort Test

May 15, 2024
George Bernard Shaw, the only individual to have been honored with both a Nobel Prize in Literature and an Oscar, once remarked:

“There are around twenty thousand candidates suitable to be one’s lifetime partner. It is merely a matter of choice at that moment. If you have already cultivated an intimate and profound relationship with someone, the next ideal candidate will become nothing more than a good friend.

Conversely, if the bond with someone is not deeply rooted, the foundation for a strong relationship can then be easily eroded. This implies that a change of heart might occur, and only when one selects a chosen partner from the pool of candidates will the days of the floating heart come to an end.”

Why Do We Choose Whom We Choose?

Amidst a crowd, why do we choose someone as our significant other? What distinguishes this person from the rest, leading us to forgo equally promising opportunities and commit exclusively to them?

What is attraction? What is love? Are they synonymous or fundamentally different, and if so, how?

Why is it that someone can deeply touch our hearts and draw us in with an almost magnetic pull, while others, despite their kindness and warmth, leave us feeling indifferent? Why do some of us hesitate to deepen our connections, such as forming a partnership, even when we are content with someone? What precisely determines these varied emotional responses?

The Law of Attraction

This phenomenon might be explained by the “law of attraction,” which posits that “entities of the same frequency resonate with each other, and similar natures attract.” In essence, when two people’s thoughts, emotions, words, and actions align, they create an energy that attracts people of a similar nature. In relationships, this manifests as a tendency for mutual liking and compatibility.

So, why are we drawn to people who reciprocate our feelings?

In reality, no one is completely confident, most people crave for affirmation and appreciation from others. When someone likes us and affirms us, they lay a solid foundation for us to like them in return. Their pursuit and validation bring pleasant emotions, fostering a sense of happiness and joy during interactions. Thus, when we finally enter a state of mutual affection or even instant rapport, it feels logical and natural.

We all grapple with the concept of “fate” because it is elusive, invisible, and intangible, yet its existence and catalytic effects cannot be denied.
There is a saying: “I want to know you, even if only for a second; in that second, I feel we have shared a lifetime.” Perhaps this is what destiny truly is.
Fate is the moment when two people meet and feel an inexplicable urge to know each other. It is the mysterious instance when someone suddenly occupies your thoughts and gradually entangles your mind. Fate may also be the process of two people coming together and slowly developing a deep connection and closeness.

Don’t Fall in Love just Because of Loneliness

Liking someone entails shallow enjoyment and selfish acquisition, akin to saying, “I like you because you possess traits that I find admirable.” But, love transcends surface allure, embodying deep attraction and selfless giving. It declares, 

I love you not solely for your beauty, but also for your quirks and imperfections; they are among the many reasons why I cherish you.”
Liking represents the most primal and rudimentary form of love, akin to a chemical reaction that can occur with numerous individuals.
You might find yourself drawn to the handsome neighbor whose mere presence quickens your pulse, conjuring idealized images due to his physical allure. Or perhaps you admire a female colleague’s intellect and professionalism, feeling captivated by her intelligence. It’s also possible to like someone who fulfills your social needs, taking you out for meals and activities, providing entertainment and companionship. Moreover, you may appreciate someone who offers solace during moments of sadness and confusion, their presence akin to a comforting presence in the darkness, soothing your bruised and vulnerable heart with their warmth.
Well, you like them, so what? What’s next?
Hmm? What do you mean?
Didn’t you say you liked them? Then why don’t you stay together?
It’s common to question whether our affection for someone stems from genuine admiration for their character or simply because they fulfill our desires within the relationship.
Do we fall in love with someone for specific reasons, or do we realize we’ve fallen in love only after discovering they’ve quietly met our expectations of an ideal partner?

5 Types Of Attraction

There are five key elements of attraction that can help us distinguish between mere liking and genuine love for another person.

Jay Shetty, the author of Think Like a Monk , a renowned motivational speaker, award-winning presenter, storyteller, and viral content creator, aims to disseminate meaningful content at a pace that resonates with the public’s desire for entertainment. In his own words, he strives to “make wisdom go viral.”

Jay Shetty has come up with a theory that he calls the 5 TYPES OF ATTRACTION, and it gives me a deeper understanding of what it means to like and love.

The 5 TYPES OF ATTRACTION as he calls them are:
1. Physical (body shape, looks)
2. Financial (wealth, e.g. financial ability, economic status, career success), 
3. Mental Ability (the way of thinking, doing things, and dealing with people),
4. Emotional (e.g. kindness, delicacy, sense of responsibility, some good qualities),
5. Spiritual (a person’s nature and outlook, those qualities that go to the core).

Jay categorizes the first three as Chemistry, asserting that they serve as primary external factors or conditions that often sustain relationships. Conversely, EQ and Soul are deemed decisive factors in determining a relationship’s worth and longevity.
While initial attraction may stem from external traits, it’s the inner essence, the soul’s depth, that remains the most immutable aspect of a person, akin to nature’s steadfast presence within. For a relationship to endure and thrive, it hinges on fostering deep emotional resonance and spiritual connection.
These “invisible” traits often hold the smallest emotional feedback and attitudes, yet they are crucial for sustaining relationships over time. Discrepancies in values, such as prioritizing physical attraction over emotional connection, can lead to discord despite surface compatibility.

Love Rest when it Feels Just Right

Ultimately, love entails finding a sanctuary for the heart and soul. Despite setting standards for an ideal partner, pinpointing specific traits proves challenging. Beauty, wealth, responsibility, and kindness may factor in, but true love transcends superficial criteria.
Choosing a partner based solely on looks or wealth may initially seem promising, but only love in its purest form offers resilience during life’s trials. Thus, the quality of love hinges on the souls of those involved.
In matters of love, indecision can be detrimental. True love is unmistakable, and when experienced, one feels a sense of certainty and responsibility. Making choices in love requires courage and discernment. Not everyone who touches our hearts can stay, necessitating discernment to retain what matters most.
In the end, may we all love and be loved deeply.
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